The big Question ?

When I am indifferent to my existence,
Does it really matter that you think I should continue to exist ?

Srividya Srinivasan
[Ramblings]

They say that the greatest regret is
when you never tried at all.
The greatest regret is in trying it all
going all the way, all the time
And finding it was not worth it after all.

--- Srividya Srinivasan

B L A N K . . .

What is it called when the body remains but you willfully kill the mind ?
Is it still suicide i wonder ?

--- Srividya Srinivasan

...

When the child in you dies, everything dies ...

I am no joker ...

I am just gonna be.
No longer god’s joker.
No imagined favourite child.
I am not going to gush
or jump in elation
every time I think I see his sign.
If he waves at me
I ain't waving back.
I am just gonna be.
His timing sucks,
his humour is worse.
If he thinks I am a bad sport
I don’t care.
I am just gonna be.
Tried talking to him last nite
Told him we are splitting.
Baby, he said with a grin,
You would be back.
Remember, I own the cards
and you are still my joker.
And ...
the joker never
becomes the queen.


- Srividya Srinivasan 18.11.2010

Pain ...

When there is nothing left in you to say,
it is better to say nothing at all.

-- Srividya Srinivasan

Life ...

I have moved when I should have waited,
Waited when I should have moved.
Believed when I should have given up,
Given up when I should have believed.
Been silent when I should have spoken,
Spoken when I should have been silent.
Said ‘No’ when I should have said ‘Yes’
and ‘Yes’ when I should have said ‘No’.
Smiled when I should have cried.
Cried when I should have smiled.
Risked when I should have played safe,
Played safe when I should have risked.
Acted smart when I was being dumb
Dumb when the world thought me smart.
Brave when I trembled inside,
Trembled when the world thought me brave.
Broken when people thought me strong,
Strong when they thought me weak.
Trusted when I was cheated,
Cheated when I was trusted.
Died when I should have lived,
Living when I could have died.


---- Srividya Srinivasan 23/09/2010

Dream lover ...

No more tears my darling
Shh, for I am here beside.
Hug me tight, my dearest
I am never gonna leave your side.

Let me wipe your tears
Let me erase the pain
From those who were before me
who wiped the child off ur face.

And when you are strong, I will smile
and watch you walk tall with pride
and turn to the world and say
that's her. she is mine.

When you are down, I will be beside
behind, ahead and all over you.
And when you want to walk alone
I will wait and watch
And when the woman turns into the lil girl
there I will be with my arms opened wide.

You come in with ur flirty smile
and as you turn around i smile
is it you or is it me
are we one ?

The tears remain.
The pain remains.
I am cold.
Beaten and bruised.
The scars remain.
You came in my dream
and left again.

Dream lover, were you ever mine ?

-- Srividya Srinivasan

Everyone has someone !

Everyone has someone.
You have everyone.
Friends drop in.
Add some cheer.
Cook a meal.
Clean a bit.
Then they disappear.
To their cosy lives
and fireplaces.
To wives and husbands
and cuddles in bed.
And at night.
you stare at the
fireplace. Alone.

Everyone has a wedding.
You are there too.
You are on everyone's list.
To help.
Popular are you?
Everyone is calling out for you.
You are the one to take their pictures.
And in the night
you are with your thoughts, fears and hopes.
You stare at the fireplace.
Alone.

Everyone has a baby.
Laughing lovely babies.
Everyone is a daddy
Everyone is a mom.
The kids love you.
You are the only uncle around
who is not a dad.
The only aunt around who is free.
You are on everyone's list.
Popular are you?

Women come and women go.
None to warm your heart and soul.
Your hands reach out and find
the dent beside you in the bed
was your own.
made the night before.
Men come and men go.
Kisses and cuddles galore
but who has the courage to
go for more?

You measure the yards from
home to work
from work to home.
Every free meal at a friend's has
you running for more.
You are on everyone's list.
Popular are you?
It is either the dog or you !
And at night.
you stare at the fireplace.
Alone.

You are cold.
You are dead.
You want a cuddle.
You want a kiss.
You want the warmth.
You want the laughter.
You want the woman.
You want the man.
You want the child
who is not there.
They are laughing.
They are partying.
Everyone has someone

At night.
as you stare at the fireplace,
you have grown old.
And your faded eyes
give your pain away.

They are laughing.
They are partying.
Everyone has someone
and you have no one.
but Who cares?

---- Srividya Srinivasan, 11.4.2010

How long I wonder I can hold on ?

How long I wonder I can hold on ?
What cruel test should I continue to pass ?
There seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel.
No hope or promise of the morrow.
How fair is it to continue the test
when one is so ridiculously unarmed ?
I have stood my ground
and by the truth,
with courage and faith,
spoken my mind and
believed my heart.
Is it that I have
failed you, my lord,
in not believing in you
longer and harder
and daring to question the test ?
Or is you who have
failed your precious child
standing with bent shoulders
and tears in her eyes
ready to give up?

---- Srividya Srinivasan

I long to be friends again …

I am hurting like crazy
more than I have been hurt all my life.
Like a child unable to comprehend
why adults are mean.
Like a child who badly wants to
play with a best friend
who just doesn't want to play with him anymore.
I am standing at the edge of the ground,
watching with my face pressed against the mesh fence,
knowing full well that I wouldn't be
accepted into the game.
I don't know what i have done or not done,
I can only feel helpless childish tears flow.
One minute we were both playing together
and the next minute you had thrown me out of
the field and out of the game.
And like a child with unreasonable hope
I can only pray that we be friends again.

To a first love...

If I could turn back the clock,
I would hold your gaze until eternity,
and hold you tight and not let go.
I would write you letters of my love
and get replies to them too
and not wait in vain.
I would know my answer true
and know it hadn't been all in my head.
Your grin is fixed in my mind still
just as my youth is fixed in yours.
Should we ever meet
I wonder what we will find?
Soulmates that missed their way
or a silly relationship that never was.

--- Srividya srinivasan

The rebel lives on

Like a phoenix, 

the rebel rises again and again,

refusing to listen to the voice of defeatism, 

beating its tired but strong wings, 

for that familiar magnificient flight 

in stormy skies fraught with challenge.

The rebel lives on.

- Srividya Srinivasan 

Death of a rebel

My mind oscillates no more.
The imaginary pendulum has stopped its swinging....

I did not go the well travelled roads that the world
assured me were the safest 
and braved it through the storm
armed with nothing but my intuition and guts to guide me.

The well travelled roads had nothing to offer
but safety and mediocrity.
But, if I had gone its ways I may have even been happy.
And so would the world have been.
That, it had stilled yet another rebel.

I took the unknown ways...
I have only myself to blame
and faced the shame.
New and untried adventures assailed me,
I tried wrestling with my wits,
and my courage was tested,
as at each stage the world watched
with bated breath,
to rejoice at my failures.
I never came out of it all,
glorious in my victory ,
masterful and strong .
And I never won the victory 
For the world to mourn my success.

The choice is no longer left to me now.
And the risk was just not worth it after all.

- Srividya Srinivasan Sept 2008 

-------------------------------------------------------------

THE ETERNAL QUESTION


My mind oscillates.
The imaginary pendulum swings....

Should I go the well travelled roads that the world
assures me are the safest ?
or
Should I brave it through the storm armed with nothing but
my intuition and guts to guide me ?

The well travelled roads have nothing to offer
but safety and mediocrity.
It shall bring me no fame or name.
But if I go its ways I may not be happy.
Neither will the world be.
But it shall rejoice that it has stilled yet another rebel.

But if I take the unknown ways...
I shall have only myself to blame
and face the risk of shame.
New and untried adventures shall assail me,
I shall wrestle with my wits,
and my courage will be tested,
as at each stage the world would watch
with bated breath,
to rejoice at my failures.
I may come out of it all,
glorious in my victory ,
masterful and strong .
And I may be supremely happy
as the world mourns my success.

But the choice is left to me.
My mind oscillates.
Should I risk it ?

- Srividya Srinivasan May 1994

The lone eagle flies

The lone eagle flies

high above. 

reveling in the height,

the sheer joy of the view.

Seeing the world far below.

Proud of its aloneness.

And ruggedness.

The feathery white clouds

stealthily enroached 

and enveloped it

in its white softness.

Wonder what became 

of the eagle ?

The preciousness of it all

I am the rare flower,
that you have to treasure, nurture and protect.
I am the precious gem,
that you have to discover, polish, flaunt and secure,
I am the uncommon,
fast becoming extinct unto ordinariness.

If you are not the connoisseur,
and failed to see my rareness,
for all you can see is the common,

Is that my fault or yours?

When you were thinking of sex

When you were thinking of sex
I was thinking of advaita, the cosmic fusion.
When you were thinking of love
I was thinking of soul mates.
When you were thinking of you and me
I was thinking of us.
When you thought that 'I' am begging,
'I' had already surrendered my ego to love
When you thought 'I' am Vulnerable
'I' was the strong one with all of me given to Love.
You are the one who is running,
You are one looking for a escape route,
You are the one afraid to look into yourself and let go.

You come from a world where two separate souls meet, interact and
move on carrying what you brought in.

For me, there is no 'I'. My love is a seamless merging.
That is why I cannot let go. You are in me.
I have fused myself into togetherness with nothing separate.

Where can you go ?

Now, do you comprehend the depth of my pain?
It is the pain of the womb,
As the child is forcibly separated from the mother,
It is a mental tearing off,
limb by limb,
trying to identify
what is yours and
what is mine.

- Srividya Srinivasan

I hate tears

I hate tears.
But they come unbidden.
All the time.

I hate being lonely.
But I am all the time.

I love to laugh.
All the time. 
But the humour is drying up
The tears stay.

- Srividya Srinivasan

And then there were none...

One said I am there
for life.
He was. And wasn't.
I was right there
but as good as dead.
Another saw.
Came.
A user in disguise.
brought in hope.
came with the rope.
I cling.
It's a long journey.
together.
So i think.
Lo. He spies another
greener pasture.
And plays a dual game
nay a multiple game.
he torments by making
you watch it as well.
The long journey was
a farce.
What an old fashioned fool you are.
whimper. in a corner.
cring.
lo, comes another.
wiser and nicer.
full of goodness.
pull from the quagmire.
now i have you on level ground
come on. wake up.
Punch. Punch. Punch.
Come on wake up.
You can do it.
Punch. Punch. Punch.
You are alone.
Love it.
Punch. Punch. Punch.
Come on dream.
Punch. Punch. Punch.
Had you this time. Ha ha ha.
Punch. Punch. Punch.

Have you seen ?

Have you seen the depths of despair?
the absolute bottom pit of loneliness?
the dark nights of nightmarish terror?
Have you ever felt so lost that you are blank?
Have you ever felt you are an angel banished
to hell?
Shorn of all glory and power.
Have you ever cringed to go out,
feared a crowd,
Felt yourself ugly inside out?
Have you ever longed for a word of praise ?
For a single act of solidarity instead of criticism?
Have you ever been where you are not on trial?
Judged for all that you have done and not done?
I hope you haven't been and never will.
It is a trip to hell and back my friend,
I hope you don't.