Heart Strings...

There are some who come into our lives...
for a brief instant and are gone...
We treasure them and always remember them
but we are ok to let them go...

There are some whom we can never recollect
and they hardly touch our lives...
And we move on
with no memory of each other...

There are some who come in...
with some misguided idea of us..
searching for resonance...
who refuse to let go...
and cling on...
Cutting them off is the kindest thing to do...
to yourself and to them...

There are some who touch our lives deeply...
And our lives are intertwined ...
But when the time comes...
We have to gently untangle ourselves
to let them go...
Loving them but letting them go...
is the only thing to do...

And there are some ...
who are there to stay...
You may not speak to them...
meet them...
But they reside in you...
as long as you live...
and when you try to cut them off ...
a thin thread refuses to snap...
and when you tug at it ...
you find it goes all the way to your heart...

‎Sometimes love is for a moment,
sometimes love is for a lifetime.
Sometimes ...
Just sometimes
with someone
a moment is a lifetime...


---- Srividya Srinivasan

What would I do for love?

What would I do for love?
Well, anything my dear.
I would go past my fears...
I would travel across the earth...
I would toss all what I have ...
To walk by your side...
I would bear your child...
Stand by you through the storm wild,
Love you all through ...
Live for you and maybe die too..
And dearest,
if it comes to that ...
I will for love ...
Just let go and
walk away too...

What would you do my dearest, for love?

---- Srividya Srinivasan

They say that the greatest regret is
when you never tried at all.
The greatest regret is in trying it all
going all the way, all the time
And finding it was not worth it after all.

--- Srividya Srinivasan

...

When the child in you dies, everything dies ...

It simply is love ...

To love someone is to acknowledge the role they have played in our lives. To recognize that our paths crossed at some point and that we have been co-travellers for a while in life. To love someone is to accept the truth of interconnectedness of all the people who touch our lives into the tapestry of our existence. To love someone is to accept and acknowledge the existence of a part of us in them and a part of them in us.

From our parents, family, first loves, childhood buddies, best friends, classmates, broken loves, discarded friends, friends turned enemies, online friends, colleagues, clients, people whom we have forgotten, people who have forgotten us, people who ignore us now, people who turn their back on us and whom we ignore and turn our backs on, people we just smile at, people we see past… they are all there in the story of our lives and we in theirs.

We get hurt, angry or feel violated when ‘they’ change their promise of ‘who they seemed’ to ‘who they suddenly become’. When their suitability, usability or conformity changes, it confuses us and we fight to re-establish the original image we agreed to have of them. We do the same to them when we change. But we will always be the victim, the one who was wronged. Even when we ignore, wear a mask or hurt a loved one, it is almost like another alternate being descends on us. Someone truly not us.

So does love really go away? Can love ever go away? Can people ever fade away? Can their influence or memory be just pretended away?


Why do we wear masks? Why do we squirm at memories that don’t suit us? Why do we not acknowledge the sides to us that aren’t or weren’t heroic? Why can’t we say sorry? Why can’t we start again? Why do we ignore those who reach out? Why do we put our hands at the back and refuse to shake hands, or meet someone’s eyes?

We are not scared of what we will find there. We are scared that we will not measure up in our own eyes. We are scared of what they will no longer find in us perhaps? We are scared of old discomforts and insecurities arising in us again. We are scared of being vulnerable.

We get angry when they persist, feel violated when they remind us of their affection and refuse to acknowledge them. The more real and genuine they are, the more we push them away. We abuse, ignore, and ridicule their overtures of affection as they force us to remember a better us. They remind us of the promises we failed to meet, the intentions we faked to gain and the most importantly they make us vulnerable again. We are scared of giving them the power of love; afraid that they know us too well and that we have failed them somehow. We understand that by failing them, we have failed ourselves and we would do anything to avoid that admission.

So where and when does love change? Does a relationship ever die? Can the bonds of families and loves ever break?

To continue to love someone does not mean we desire to turn back the clock. It does not mean that we are trying to re-establish status quo. It simply means we are acknowledging the interconnectedness of it all. It simply means that we accept the role they have played in our lives and the role we played in theirs. It means we accept responsibility for that influence.

Love is a continuum not to be confused with our superficial behavioral swings and it does not really operate with a tense. There is no question of ‘I loved you’, ‘I love you’ ‘I will love you’. If we have accepted and loved someone once, we have accepted them forever. They are an integral part of our lives.

It simply is Love.

--- Srividya Srinivasan, 14.2.2011

Evolving...

Evolving is when I am nice
even when you are not.
When I am charming, in love
and graceful in my separation.

How I react when you have left me,
misunderstood me,
forgotten me,
unloved me says only your story.
How i remain is mine.

I am still here beautiful for you.
Smiling with my eyes,
and bubbling with my laughter,
My love and belief in us
filling my heart.

How I sulk, or how I shrug,
How i wait or how I move
How i believe or how I let go,
What I am in your presence
or absence,
When your love fills me
or abandons me
Is all there is to me.

What I am when nothing goes my way
is what I am in reality.
How I love when it is not love my way
is all the love that's in me.

What I am when the world turns its back
is all that is in me.
What I am when I have nothing to give
is all there is to give in me.

I am in me...

And today when i realise this
I am free.
I can love you without your permission,
laugh without your censure,
jump without you thinking me crazy,
go on this mad journey with you in my head.

All the love in the world is in me...
All the love in the world is in me.

Happy new year love !

My best moments with you were the ones we did not share. When you weren't around with me.I could be uninhibited in my expression without your disbelief to cloud it, enjoy a profound moment pretending you felt it alongside, sing and dance in ecstasy, breathe life and joy without holding back due to your censure.

I could walk holding your hand, stay warm against your chest, laugh into the night, and make deep love,safe and secure and brilliantly evolving in your absolute love and understanding. Your kindness moves me to tears, my laughter catches up a little breathlessly into your deep laughter, and our steps match. The fire of passion burns high, and we match our wits and our minds and start with words and end with love. We gaze at sunsets and sunrises in silent awe...

Happy new year love !

Been brilliant missing you!

How beautiful and free is this moment ....

How beautifully and full is this moment …
So full of love and joy for the other.
Not because we are together
but even though we are not.
The heart is so full yet free and flowing …
And one is content in just letting things be.
No questions, no seeking, no regrets,
no looking back or thinking ahead.
No desire at play, no motive, no promises
No I, You, US.
None intrude. None matter.
How beautiful is this moment…
where the heart is full and words don’t matter.
And love simply is.

------ Srividya Srinivasan [ Midnight Ramblings] 15/12/2010

I am no joker ...

I am just gonna be.
No longer god’s joker.
No imagined favourite child.
I am not going to gush
or jump in elation
every time I think I see his sign.
If he waves at me
I ain't waving back.
I am just gonna be.
His timing sucks,
his humour is worse.
If he thinks I am a bad sport
I don’t care.
I am just gonna be.
Tried talking to him last nite
Told him we are splitting.
Baby, he said with a grin,
You would be back.
Remember, I own the cards
and you are still my joker.
And ...
the joker never
becomes the queen.


- Srividya Srinivasan 18.11.2010

Pain ...

When there is nothing left in you to say,
it is better to say nothing at all.

-- Srividya Srinivasan

I long to be friends again …

I am hurting like crazy
more than I have been hurt all my life.
Like a child unable to comprehend
why adults are mean.
Like a child who badly wants to
play with a best friend
who just doesn't want to play with him anymore.
I am standing at the edge of the ground,
watching with my face pressed against the mesh fence,
knowing full well that I wouldn't be
accepted into the game.
I don't know what i have done or not done,
I can only feel helpless childish tears flow.
One minute we were both playing together
and the next minute you had thrown me out of
the field and out of the game.
And like a child with unreasonable hope
I can only pray that we be friends again.

This one moment...

If one could choose between one glorious moment of honesty
to a million inner battles of conventionality,
I am glad we have chosen this one moment
to be true.

A moment that would stand beautiful and pure,
stuck between
the years of the past and the years of the future
both not given to us.

Let us not get into dangerous waters
unless we are both ready to swim.
It is enough that we feel the same way
and finally saying it true.
Meeting each other on equal ground
and holding nothing back.

And so, only this moment is ours, my dear,
precious in our declaration of love.
For the beautiful people we are this moment.
Not for censorious eyes or waggling tongues,
and not even for our own narrow doubting selves
that would return after this precious moment is past.

Let us hold on to this moment a little longer,
It holds the beauty of a million moments
that never was and would never be.

------ Srividya Srinivasan, 7.9.2009

Death of a rebel

My mind oscillates no more.
The imaginary pendulum has stopped its swinging....

I did not go the well travelled roads that the world
assured me were the safest 
and braved it through the storm
armed with nothing but my intuition and guts to guide me.

The well travelled roads had nothing to offer
but safety and mediocrity.
But, if I had gone its ways I may have even been happy.
And so would the world have been.
That, it had stilled yet another rebel.

I took the unknown ways...
I have only myself to blame
and faced the shame.
New and untried adventures assailed me,
I tried wrestling with my wits,
and my courage was tested,
as at each stage the world watched
with bated breath,
to rejoice at my failures.
I never came out of it all,
glorious in my victory ,
masterful and strong .
And I never won the victory 
For the world to mourn my success.

The choice is no longer left to me now.
And the risk was just not worth it after all.

- Srividya Srinivasan Sept 2008 

-------------------------------------------------------------

THE ETERNAL QUESTION


My mind oscillates.
The imaginary pendulum swings....

Should I go the well travelled roads that the world
assures me are the safest ?
or
Should I brave it through the storm armed with nothing but
my intuition and guts to guide me ?

The well travelled roads have nothing to offer
but safety and mediocrity.
It shall bring me no fame or name.
But if I go its ways I may not be happy.
Neither will the world be.
But it shall rejoice that it has stilled yet another rebel.

But if I take the unknown ways...
I shall have only myself to blame
and face the risk of shame.
New and untried adventures shall assail me,
I shall wrestle with my wits,
and my courage will be tested,
as at each stage the world would watch
with bated breath,
to rejoice at my failures.
I may come out of it all,
glorious in my victory ,
masterful and strong .
And I may be supremely happy
as the world mourns my success.

But the choice is left to me.
My mind oscillates.
Should I risk it ?

- Srividya Srinivasan May 1994

The preciousness of it all

I am the rare flower,
that you have to treasure, nurture and protect.
I am the precious gem,
that you have to discover, polish, flaunt and secure,
I am the uncommon,
fast becoming extinct unto ordinariness.

If you are not the connoisseur,
and failed to see my rareness,
for all you can see is the common,

Is that my fault or yours?

When you were thinking of sex

When you were thinking of sex
I was thinking of advaita, the cosmic fusion.
When you were thinking of love
I was thinking of soul mates.
When you were thinking of you and me
I was thinking of us.
When you thought that 'I' am begging,
'I' had already surrendered my ego to love
When you thought 'I' am Vulnerable
'I' was the strong one with all of me given to Love.
You are the one who is running,
You are one looking for a escape route,
You are the one afraid to look into yourself and let go.

You come from a world where two separate souls meet, interact and
move on carrying what you brought in.

For me, there is no 'I'. My love is a seamless merging.
That is why I cannot let go. You are in me.
I have fused myself into togetherness with nothing separate.

Where can you go ?

Now, do you comprehend the depth of my pain?
It is the pain of the womb,
As the child is forcibly separated from the mother,
It is a mental tearing off,
limb by limb,
trying to identify
what is yours and
what is mine.

- Srividya Srinivasan

And then there were none...

One said I am there
for life.
He was. And wasn't.
I was right there
but as good as dead.
Another saw.
Came.
A user in disguise.
brought in hope.
came with the rope.
I cling.
It's a long journey.
together.
So i think.
Lo. He spies another
greener pasture.
And plays a dual game
nay a multiple game.
he torments by making
you watch it as well.
The long journey was
a farce.
What an old fashioned fool you are.
whimper. in a corner.
cring.
lo, comes another.
wiser and nicer.
full of goodness.
pull from the quagmire.
now i have you on level ground
come on. wake up.
Punch. Punch. Punch.
Come on wake up.
You can do it.
Punch. Punch. Punch.
You are alone.
Love it.
Punch. Punch. Punch.
Come on dream.
Punch. Punch. Punch.
Had you this time. Ha ha ha.
Punch. Punch. Punch.

Have you seen ?

Have you seen the depths of despair?
the absolute bottom pit of loneliness?
the dark nights of nightmarish terror?
Have you ever felt so lost that you are blank?
Have you ever felt you are an angel banished
to hell?
Shorn of all glory and power.
Have you ever cringed to go out,
feared a crowd,
Felt yourself ugly inside out?
Have you ever longed for a word of praise ?
For a single act of solidarity instead of criticism?
Have you ever been where you are not on trial?
Judged for all that you have done and not done?
I hope you haven't been and never will.
It is a trip to hell and back my friend,
I hope you don't.

Can't you see ?

You are asking me to be lonely,
not just to be alone.

Please don't

Don't be kind to me and then be harsh,
Instead be harsh always.
Don't love me now and leave me later,
Instead don't love me at all.
Don't be tender now and then be mean,
Instead be mean from the start.
Don't make me believe and then pull it back,
What do you think I would be left with?
Don't bond yourself with me
Mind, body, Soul
And then walk away.
What do you think I can do ?
Don't show the heaven of togetherness
and then ask me live alone.

The Divine Connection

It is a special someone who sees a problem
and risks stepping in instead of moving on ;
It is a special someone who at your lowest point
still sees you as a person with a problem
And not as THE PROBLEM;
It is a special someone whom you can call at midnight,
and he listens with his heart and soul to you;
It is a special someone who can empathize with you,
and wait for the right moment to tell you are wrong ;
It is a special someone who cries 'cos your hurting,
And loves you for your giggle;
It is a special someone who stands by you even if the entire
world turns its back on you;
It is a special someone who thinks of you all day long,
and takes the effort and the time to let you know;
It is a special someone who can bring the touch of the divine,
to light the candle of hope in your heart;
It is a special someone who can make you feel
that life is worth living after all;
It is a special someone who makes you feel beautiful inside out,
It is a special someone who is so pure at heart
that you feel at peace with him;
And after all this,
when such a special person says
It's all over and it didn't mean a thing,
What is one to do ?