The pebble in the hand ...

Oh, the river seems to flow the way it has always done. It looks pretty much the same as it always did. You sit on its bank and look at it and slowly, ever so slowly it casts its spell on you. Your rhythm slows down and you become one with the river and its pace. You put your feet in, one at a time and squeal in surprise. Was it always this cold? And, as you stand there in absolute stillness allowing the slow currents to tease you, to touch you and to envelop your feet … in a few minutes, you are cold no more. You delight in the rush of old forgotten joys of the familiar that were pushed into oblivion with time, crowded with experiences of oceans and seas that were faster, bigger and more dangerous than a silly old river.

You walk facing the small currents, indulgent and complacent in pandering to an old river’s whims. Did it always run this way before? It seems to have changed its course. Did it narrow down to just a trickle at this point? Is it the end of the river? Curious you walk on and discover that just around the corner, a little almost after you gave up on it, when you thought it almost done, it picks up its strength and gathers itself about and you progress on to find it running to its full majesty and silent strength a little later on.

Your feet touch the pebbles and you pick one up. Smooth, glistening and glowing. Perfect and rounded. How many countless wear down by the river before the pebbles gave up fighting to reach this state?How much the river fights with those yonder rocks relentlessly pushing before it wears the rocks down? Was the current this strong always? The branches of the trees beside the bank lean over and seem to whisper to the busy river as she runs past asking her to pause and converse for a while. The butterflies and bees are abuzz with the news of your presence excitedly running about and the blue skies look on, the clouds lazily floating about indulging themselves by looking on at the scene.

The river is not the same. You ‘see’ it has changed. You can ‘feel’ the change. There are things you see now that you did not see before. It just seems the same. When you actually go with the flow, slow down your pace or speeden up to match its course, the river is not the same any more.

You caress the small stone stolen from the river, smoothened over countless wars with the river, cold initially and now warm in your hands.

--- Srividya Srinivasan 18.12.2010

Life ...

I have moved when I should have waited,
Waited when I should have moved.
Believed when I should have given up,
Given up when I should have believed.
Been silent when I should have spoken,
Spoken when I should have been silent.
Said ‘No’ when I should have said ‘Yes’
and ‘Yes’ when I should have said ‘No’.
Smiled when I should have cried.
Cried when I should have smiled.
Risked when I should have played safe,
Played safe when I should have risked.
Acted smart when I was being dumb
Dumb when the world thought me smart.
Brave when I trembled inside,
Trembled when the world thought me brave.
Broken when people thought me strong,
Strong when they thought me weak.
Trusted when I was cheated,
Cheated when I was trusted.
Died when I should have lived,
Living when I could have died.


---- Srividya Srinivasan 23/09/2010

Divinity of life

• The only divinity that can ever be in the natural order of things and in the physical structure of the universe.

• The only other divinity that ever can be is mutual respect and genuine love between humans, animals and plant life.

• Mutual respect that everyone has a different journey, a different perception of their journey and are at a different point in the journey. Never compare their journey unless to learn from theirs. If their journey is radically different from yours but worth exploring give it a shot as genuinely as you can and pursue or leave it if it suits you or doesn’t. It works for them. It does not work for you. It is no less genuine than yours. The way they see their journey may be different from you. If it interests you clue in else shut up. The same goes for the point in the journey. If they have journeyed ahead, catch up else shut up.

• Genuine love needs no explanation and has no fixed rules of expression

• Whatever happens, happens because of a natural cause and effect manifested at a large scale or a personal scale. What suits us is a miracle and what doesn’t is a calamity,

• Life is a series of cause and effect peppered with randomness. The cause and effect is unacceptable in reality as it demands accountability and a stop to manipulation. The human mind searches for coincidences as it is a useful tool for answers and it is the best prop for self brainwashing, social brainwashing and belief in the divine.

• Physical death is a natural or unnatural phenomenon just like birth and often perceived a calamity by the human mind. Physical death occurs due to cause and effect like murder, random/partial cause and effect like accidents, and natural aspects like disease or old age. There is no sin attached to any of the above. You die because you were born. You do not die as a punishment and heaven is not a reward.

• Gender is purely a biological difference and nothing else and be celebrated and intrigued over and finally accepted. Every other difference stated or used is only manipulative.

• All religion that ever was and will be will only be manipulative and false and is only social, moral and psychological brainwashing to make you weak, dependent and guilty. It is done to ensure safety of numbers and to remove your accountability in yourself and in your actions. This brainwashing is both external and internal. External by the world and religion to manipulate you and internal by you to use as a prop or an excuse or justification to act or not act in a particular manner.

• Every custom, every ritual will only divide or manipulate. Permit and accept only those that are fun, easy, that do not profess a deeper meaning or bring guilt in you because you have not done it in a particular way. If your child had fun it was a great festival. If it made your old man happy it was worth the effort. If it was a wonderful feast, enjoy it. Pretend along. But be clear that’s what it all was.

• Life is beautiful. Yes. It is. And living is a special experience. Just live it as it unfolds everyday without guilt, regret, fear or manipulation.
  
  

I cannot follow you ...

I am sorry.
I have no role model.
No gurus.
No companions to hold my hand.
Yes, I can read about your journey.
And the journeys of the Buddhas and the sadhus.
The pious, the agnostic, the rationalist and the intellect,
the profound and the profane,
the free spirit and the disciplinarian,
the madman and the seer.
But in the end you see,
It is your journey and theirs, not mine.
Within me, only I can journey.
How can i ever comprehend the quality of your journey?
How can i but not question the credibility of your truth ?
It is not my truth.
It is not my truth until I can feel it in my bones,
until it stems from the very core of my being and belief,
until it rules every conviction of mine,
and goes past that to overpower my very existence.
My journey and only my journey matters to me.
My truth and only my truth can be the truth for me.
I exist only in me.
I can think you exist.
I am even sure you do.
But you see,
you exist as what I can see you as.
You exist as a reflection of my truth.
Of my comprehension of you.
You exist as how my life has taught me to see you.
Go your journey dearest in search of your truth if you will.
But do not ask me why i have no role models.
Call it my arrogance or your ignorance,
Be shocked at my honesty in only acknowledging my truth as the highest.
Or the fact that my truth changes as my perceptions do.
My truth will be MY highest as only I can stand by it.
You are free to stand by your truth.
But, do not be angered because I can believe harder in my truth
and that I am neither overpowered by yours nor willing to bow my head to it.
Instead raise your conviction of your truth to match my conviction in mine.
So that our individual truths can set us free and light a flame in the other.
Together we shall then walk hand in hand.
Two free individuals sharing our varied journeys.

-- Srividya Srinivasan - 6.7.2010

Love of a different kind.

Different people touch our lives in different ways.

Some people are like solid pillars, unquestioningly there for you,right beside you when you need them.People you can call at any time of the day and night over any number of years. People, you need not explain yourself to and whom you can depend on more than you can sometimes in yourself. You are simply connected with them for life. Some quietly prod you to move, gently correcting you but never letting you down. They censor your actions with a gentleness and genuine understanding and affection and you always surprise yourself by changing yourself for them cos its simply so beautiful to do so.Some provoke you into thinking, into discovering aspects in you that you never knew existed.Some come like a storm bringing a world of new things and simply change your world upside down. Some bring laughter and warmth when they come in and teach you how to care. To look at life with a different energy, ease and flow. Some show their care through some brisk act of solidarity and hate a hug or a kiss and shudder at the very thought of sentiment.Fiercely protective of your interest and welfare, they love you and are completely with you except that you should never state it or sentimentalize over them.

And there are those who care and simply don't know how to show they do.They run a mile when you need them, block you out when you reach out and then unexpectedly turn up and show such immense love and affection when you least expect them to.You can never think you know them, never reach out to them when you need them,assume that you are important enough for them to show they care. You will never be their priority and can never be sure about them. They will always let you down all your life and it is up to you to choose to strengthen yourself by not getting hurt each time. They teach you the most important lesson of it all - the lesson of indifference and the loss of ego. They teach you vulnerability, insecurity, anger and finally acceptance. They teach you to love with a different intensity and flavor.Initially you are angry, hurt, confused about their behavior. At a brilliant point, you realize that loving them is accepting them the way they are. Loving them is accepting the fact that they will never be there for you but you will always want to be there for them. They teach you to give and learn not to ask in return.It would make no difference to them even if you ask.They will treat your love and your reaching out with complete indifference. Accepting to love them is accepting the fact that they will care and express their care only when and if it suits them, and in ways that will suit them and not when you need them.They teach you to love with absolutely no expectations.It is love of the hardest kind but the most beautiful and the purest. Thank you for touching my life this way.

I long to be friends again …

I am hurting like crazy
more than I have been hurt all my life.
Like a child unable to comprehend
why adults are mean.
Like a child who badly wants to
play with a best friend
who just doesn't want to play with him anymore.
I am standing at the edge of the ground,
watching with my face pressed against the mesh fence,
knowing full well that I wouldn't be
accepted into the game.
I don't know what i have done or not done,
I can only feel helpless childish tears flow.
One minute we were both playing together
and the next minute you had thrown me out of
the field and out of the game.
And like a child with unreasonable hope
I can only pray that we be friends again.

This one moment...

If one could choose between one glorious moment of honesty
to a million inner battles of conventionality,
I am glad we have chosen this one moment
to be true.

A moment that would stand beautiful and pure,
stuck between
the years of the past and the years of the future
both not given to us.

Let us not get into dangerous waters
unless we are both ready to swim.
It is enough that we feel the same way
and finally saying it true.
Meeting each other on equal ground
and holding nothing back.

And so, only this moment is ours, my dear,
precious in our declaration of love.
For the beautiful people we are this moment.
Not for censorious eyes or waggling tongues,
and not even for our own narrow doubting selves
that would return after this precious moment is past.

Let us hold on to this moment a little longer,
It holds the beauty of a million moments
that never was and would never be.

------ Srividya Srinivasan, 7.9.2009

The big question

How can we comprehend the
mystery of what happens before birth
and what happens after death,
when we haven't even learnt
to understand ourselves
in between those two?

----------- Srividya srinivasan, Feb 8th 09

The journey

There are levels to be reached
where the mind cannot go
where words lose their meaning
where thoughts cease
where silence rules
and oneless prevails.
It is an experience
that can only be felt.
there are no parallels.
no 'like this', 'like that'.
only 'neti' - None of all these.
With what does one come back from the journey?
How does one ever narrate the journey?
With words?
that would be twisted for their meaning?
or checked for their syntax?
If it can be shared,
let it be in silence.


---------------- Srividya Srinivasan Feb 8 - 2009

Responding to the Cosmic

Do not take credit or feel pride for anything
you have done or achieved.
Your intelligence was given.
Your physical looks were given.
Your fit body with no deformities was given.
Do not measure my world and yours by
the number of children we had;
the number of cars we owned;
the amount of money we have in the bank;
or the investments we have done.
In the passage of life these mean nothing.

Do not weigh your personality
with psuedo words, pride and position,
or the arrogance that you know it all.
Against the simplest test of intelligence,
you would fail miserably.
They were all given.
We have earned nothing, we own nothing.
Not our body, not our minds, not our intelligence,
not our wealth, not our health, not our children,
nor our parents.

Your opportunities were carved out for you by
the world and the cosmos.
If at all you have a right to take any credit,
it is only that you recognized your potential,
that you utilised your faculties,
and
that you seized and responded to the divine cosmic,
and went with the larger flow for your own redemption.

- Srividya Srinivasan

And then there were none...

One said I am there
for life.
He was. And wasn't.
I was right there
but as good as dead.
Another saw.
Came.
A user in disguise.
brought in hope.
came with the rope.
I cling.
It's a long journey.
together.
So i think.
Lo. He spies another
greener pasture.
And plays a dual game
nay a multiple game.
he torments by making
you watch it as well.
The long journey was
a farce.
What an old fashioned fool you are.
whimper. in a corner.
cring.
lo, comes another.
wiser and nicer.
full of goodness.
pull from the quagmire.
now i have you on level ground
come on. wake up.
Punch. Punch. Punch.
Come on wake up.
You can do it.
Punch. Punch. Punch.
You are alone.
Love it.
Punch. Punch. Punch.
Come on dream.
Punch. Punch. Punch.
Had you this time. Ha ha ha.
Punch. Punch. Punch.

Have you seen ?

Have you seen the depths of despair?
the absolute bottom pit of loneliness?
the dark nights of nightmarish terror?
Have you ever felt so lost that you are blank?
Have you ever felt you are an angel banished
to hell?
Shorn of all glory and power.
Have you ever cringed to go out,
feared a crowd,
Felt yourself ugly inside out?
Have you ever longed for a word of praise ?
For a single act of solidarity instead of criticism?
Have you ever been where you are not on trial?
Judged for all that you have done and not done?
I hope you haven't been and never will.
It is a trip to hell and back my friend,
I hope you don't.

The Divine Connection

It is a special someone who sees a problem
and risks stepping in instead of moving on ;
It is a special someone who at your lowest point
still sees you as a person with a problem
And not as THE PROBLEM;
It is a special someone whom you can call at midnight,
and he listens with his heart and soul to you;
It is a special someone who can empathize with you,
and wait for the right moment to tell you are wrong ;
It is a special someone who cries 'cos your hurting,
And loves you for your giggle;
It is a special someone who stands by you even if the entire
world turns its back on you;
It is a special someone who thinks of you all day long,
and takes the effort and the time to let you know;
It is a special someone who can bring the touch of the divine,
to light the candle of hope in your heart;
It is a special someone who can make you feel
that life is worth living after all;
It is a special someone who makes you feel beautiful inside out,
It is a special someone who is so pure at heart
that you feel at peace with him;
And after all this,
when such a special person says
It's all over and it didn't mean a thing,
What is one to do ?

I seek you

My eyes seek the crowds eagerly.
They seek you among a thousand faces.
A muted laugh somewhere
makes me turn quickly.
Is that your laugh that I hear ?

Every gait looks familiar.
Surely that is you ahead ?
I rush ahead in my anxiety
to find a stranger’s face.

I walk the ways alone
seeking and longing for your company.
Every wayfarer shall bear your name,
every visage your face.
Every voice will sounds like yours .
But no ! It is not to be.
And, as I trudge my way along life’s course,
I make it searching for ye.

- Srividya Srinivasan
  October 1998