Tuesday, December 18, 2007

I hate tears

I hate tears.
But they come unbidden.
All the time.

I hate being lonely.
But I am all the time.

I love to laugh.
All the time. 
But the humour is drying up
The tears stay.

- Srividya Srinivasan

And then there were none...

One said I am there
for life.
He was. And wasn't.
I was right there
but as good as dead.
Another saw.
A user in disguise.
brought in hope.
came with the rope.
I cling.
It's a long journey.
So i think.
Lo. He spies another
greener pasture.
And plays a dual game
nay a multiple game.
he torments by making
you watch it as well.
The long journey was
a farce.
What an old fashioned fool you are.
whimper. in a corner.
lo, comes another.
wiser and nicer.
full of goodness.
pull from the quagmire.
now i have you on level ground
come on. wake up.
Punch. Punch. Punch.
Come on wake up.
You can do it.
Punch. Punch. Punch.
You are alone.
Love it.
Punch. Punch. Punch.
Come on dream.
Punch. Punch. Punch.
Had you this time. Ha ha ha.
Punch. Punch. Punch.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Have you seen ?

Have you seen the depths of despair?
the absolute bottom pit of loneliness?
the dark nights of nightmarish terror?
Have you ever felt so lost that you are blank?
Have you ever felt you are an angel banished
to hell?
Shorn of all glory and power.
Have you ever cringed to go out,
feared a crowd,
Felt yourself ugly inside out?
Have you ever longed for a word of praise ?
For a single act of solidarity instead of criticism?
Have you ever been where you are not on trial?
Judged for all that you have done and not done?
I hope you haven't been and never will.
It is a trip to hell and back my friend,
I hope you don't.

Can't you see ?

You are asking me to be lonely,
not just to be alone.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Please don't

Don't be kind to me and then be harsh,
Instead be harsh always.
Don't love me now and leave me later,
Instead don't love me at all.
Don't be tender now and then be mean,
Instead be mean from the start.
Don't make me believe and then pull it back,
What do you think I would be left with?
Don't bond yourself with me
Mind, body, Soul
And then walk away.
What do you think I can do ?
Don't show the heaven of togetherness
and then ask me live alone.

The Divine Connection

It is a special someone who sees a problem
and risks stepping in instead of moving on ;
It is a special someone who at your lowest point
still sees you as a person with a problem
And not as THE PROBLEM;
It is a special someone whom you can call at midnight,
and he listens with his heart and soul to you;
It is a special someone who can empathize with you,
and wait for the right moment to tell you are wrong ;
It is a special someone who cries 'cos your hurting,
And loves you for your giggle;
It is a special someone who stands by you even if the entire
world turns its back on you;
It is a special someone who thinks of you all day long,
and takes the effort and the time to let you know;
It is a special someone who can bring the touch of the divine,
to light the candle of hope in your heart;
It is a special someone who can make you feel
that life is worth living after all;
It is a special someone who makes you feel beautiful inside out,
It is a special someone who is so pure at heart
that you feel at peace with him;
And after all this,
when such a special person says
It's all over and it didn't mean a thing,
What is one to do ?

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Your complete woman

I am the witch with the magical powers,
I am the temptress with the bewitching smile,
I am the enchantress with the sparkling eyes,
I am the intellectual who would drown you in thought,
I am the romantic who would show you the stars,
I am the infant who would cry for your arms,
I am the child who would long for your glance,
I am the helpless who would need your hand,
I am the invincible who would need no one,
I am the innocent with the ready laugh,
I am the stealer of hearts and of yours,
I am the one to mother your child,
I am the lover who matches your fire,
I am your prayer,
I am your salvation,
I am your dream,
I am your nightmare,
I am your sanity,
I am your despair,
I am your mother,
I am your child,
I am the dreamer in Us,
I am the doer in Us,
I am the believer in Us,
As long as i live.

- Srividya Srinivasan

I seek you

My eyes seek the crowds eagerly.
They seek you among a thousand faces.
A muted laugh somewhere
makes me turn quickly.
Is that your laugh that I hear ?

Every gait looks familiar.
Surely that is you ahead ?
I rush ahead in my anxiety
to find a stranger’s face.

I walk the ways alone
seeking and longing for your company.
Every wayfarer shall bear your name,
every visage your face.
Every voice will sounds like yours .
But no ! It is not to be.
And, as I trudge my way along life’s course,
I make it searching for ye.

- Srividya Srinivasan
  October 1998


The moment mocks at me.
It represents the death of all that I believe in.
I smile.
The ghastly artificial smile of one who weeps inside.
All around me are laughing gay faces.
They are rejoicing for me.
They think that they share my moment of joy.
The flowers in their brilliance, the canopy of lights,
the strains of music, the snatches of conversations,
the bright faces, the sheen of silks.
All for my perfect moment in life.
I suddenly absurdly want to laugh.
And cry.
“This is not what I want ” my mind screams
... silently.
I hide my tears.
Have you ever shared a perfect moment with the wrong person ?

- Srividya Srinivasan
October 1998


A second passes...
And a moment is born...
and a moment dies.

Suspended between both am I.
Suspended between birth and death.

Should I rejoice for the moment to come
for the birth of new Mes ?
harp on fond memories ?

They say that
everything that ever happened is in the air still,
in time and space suspended somewhere in infinity.
I wish I could bottle up all those I treasure,
draw all events unto myself ,
Capture its essence like a fragrance ,
like a glorious piece of music,
to open at will
to feel the same emotions wash all over me again.

Then, I could go ahead with living,
and rejoice in the birth
and not mourn the death of the moment past.

- Srividya Srinivasan


A bubble forms...
A haze takes shape from the smoke.
A lazy air of content creeps in ...
as one half-listens to the scraping of plates,
the stilted attempts at conversation.

The smoke swirls around one bringing along with it
snatches of conversations.
One is only partly aware of the surroundings,
Eyes take on a dreamy look as the rain
pours incessantly outside.

Then, suddenly the noises cease.
The smoke clears.
There is the scraping of feet against the clean floor.
The spell is broken.
The reverie carefully packed up as a golden memory,
A brief interlude amidst a crowded tension filled day,
The bubble bursts.

- Srividya Srinivasan
July 1996


I spoke.
You bade me be silent .
I moved.
You stilled my movement.

I spoke.
You distorted my words into thousand fragments,
until scattered by the wind
they became meaningless utterances.

I acted.
You made my actions a mockery
of myself, of others.
I saw.
But you made what I saw so utterly despicable ,
that I wanted to see no more.

But I dream...
And in the secret recesses of my dreams,
I soar high, free and full of ecstasy,
No censurous eyes still my movements,
No cruel words taunt my joys,
As I rejoice in my dreams
and delight in the only haven that I can seek
this is all I ask of you.
Intrude not - atleast in my dreams .

- Srividya Srinivasan


Fly away my dearest,
before it is too late,
Fly away my dearest,
to sunnier places and bluer skies,
Prepare yourself for the inevitable break
that I know will be a difficult one to make.

The longer you tarry here,
You will have much to fear,
I’ll cut your wings of freedom,
one a day, without your knowledge.
And, in its place
I shall sew on
deceptively fragile threads of loving bondage,
so strong, that they shall hold you fast.

When you finally out of despair decide
to seek distant shores with greener pastures,
There will be no wings to fly,
and no will to try.
And in that bitter-sweet bondage
We shall be bound forever,
Fly away my dearest, before it is too late.

- Srividya Srinivasan
October 1998

I feel ...

I feel happy.
The sky looks a little bluer.
Some one smiles at me a little wider.
Colors seem a little sharper.
I see fashion.
I see beauty.
I see hope.
I see love.
I see gorgeous hunks and beautiful women.
I see laughter and the gleam of teeth.
I see kindness.
I see romance.
I see innocence in a child.
The world seems to be in me.
And I am right in the centre of it.
The sky seems grey.
Someone died.
Some one cried.
Someone is fighting there today.
I see red.
I see pain.
I see tears.
Someone is grouchy.
Someone is touchy.
I see a child with a broken toy.
I see two lovers fight.
I read about a bomb blast.

Did the world change?
Or did I ?
Or did I change my world?

Friday, December 07, 2007

A lovely thought for the day !!

Just came across this line:

If u have decided to be happy , no one can stop you.
If u have decided to be unhappy, no one can help you

I am happy :-))

Elegy to the living dead!

If I have known a nicer you,
If I have known a kinder you,
You, that loved me
And, if you are a beast now
Does that mean you exist now
and died before ?
Or that you never was
and hence do not exist now?
Is the past an mirage
and the current a reality?
What am I to you?
Do I mourn your death?
Are you the fake?
Or I the fool?

- Srividya Srinivasan

Saturday, August 18, 2007


Near but far.
We have drifted apart.
I live in the present that is already past.
My eyes perceive you.
I feel distant. Detached.
The rush of memories that once warmed my body and soul
Evoke but a faint and flickering response in me now.
I am wary of the togetherness that we once shared,
Illusionary idylls of twin souls beating in unison.
I see your growing impatience to fly away,
And want to tell you, I am not holding you back.
What kind of soul mates are we?
Are we trying to warm our hands by the dying embers?
I am readying myself for the death of all that was dear.
You see I have seen many deaths to fear one more.
All my life I have walked alone.
Through every high and low point in my eventful life
I have journeyed on.
I have rejoiced in your short companionship as I did
With a few earlier wayfarers,
But the growing awareness in me of our parting is too acute,
I am ready to bid adieu and the ache is already familiar,
It would be dull by the time you actually wrench yourself apart,
I would have already continued my solitary sojourn,
Thank you dear one for having come so far.
May the travel gods be with you through your journey!

--- Srividya Srinivasan [ 12.11.2005]

Waking up ...

I wake up.
My eyes open and focus hazily through the gloam
A slow smile curves its way across my face.
I stretch my arms and trail it languidly across my body.
Suddenly, the day seems full of glorious possibilities.
And, I hug the delicious secret feeling within me.
I curl my toes in lazy circles
The sun sneaks in and gently chides me to wake up.
I play hide and seek with my persuasive playmate
and snuggle deeper in the recesses of white satin.
A few more minutes for myself
before the busy world beckons.

-Srividya Srinivasan

Just ME.

All my fears are within.
All my fears are without.
I look back at where I have come.
Aghast, I realize I have lost my way.

- Srividya Srinivasan