...

When the child in you dies, everything dies ...

It simply is love ...

To love someone is to acknowledge the role they have played in our lives. To recognize that our paths crossed at some point and that we have been co-travellers for a while in life. To love someone is to accept the truth of interconnectedness of all the people who touch our lives into the tapestry of our existence. To love someone is to accept and acknowledge the existence of a part of us in them and a part of them in us.

From our parents, family, first loves, childhood buddies, best friends, classmates, broken loves, discarded friends, friends turned enemies, online friends, colleagues, clients, people whom we have forgotten, people who have forgotten us, people who ignore us now, people who turn their back on us and whom we ignore and turn our backs on, people we just smile at, people we see past… they are all there in the story of our lives and we in theirs.

We get hurt, angry or feel violated when ‘they’ change their promise of ‘who they seemed’ to ‘who they suddenly become’. When their suitability, usability or conformity changes, it confuses us and we fight to re-establish the original image we agreed to have of them. We do the same to them when we change. But we will always be the victim, the one who was wronged. Even when we ignore, wear a mask or hurt a loved one, it is almost like another alternate being descends on us. Someone truly not us.

So does love really go away? Can love ever go away? Can people ever fade away? Can their influence or memory be just pretended away?


Why do we wear masks? Why do we squirm at memories that don’t suit us? Why do we not acknowledge the sides to us that aren’t or weren’t heroic? Why can’t we say sorry? Why can’t we start again? Why do we ignore those who reach out? Why do we put our hands at the back and refuse to shake hands, or meet someone’s eyes?

We are not scared of what we will find there. We are scared that we will not measure up in our own eyes. We are scared of what they will no longer find in us perhaps? We are scared of old discomforts and insecurities arising in us again. We are scared of being vulnerable.

We get angry when they persist, feel violated when they remind us of their affection and refuse to acknowledge them. The more real and genuine they are, the more we push them away. We abuse, ignore, and ridicule their overtures of affection as they force us to remember a better us. They remind us of the promises we failed to meet, the intentions we faked to gain and the most importantly they make us vulnerable again. We are scared of giving them the power of love; afraid that they know us too well and that we have failed them somehow. We understand that by failing them, we have failed ourselves and we would do anything to avoid that admission.

So where and when does love change? Does a relationship ever die? Can the bonds of families and loves ever break?

To continue to love someone does not mean we desire to turn back the clock. It does not mean that we are trying to re-establish status quo. It simply means we are acknowledging the interconnectedness of it all. It simply means that we accept the role they have played in our lives and the role we played in theirs. It means we accept responsibility for that influence.

Love is a continuum not to be confused with our superficial behavioral swings and it does not really operate with a tense. There is no question of ‘I loved you’, ‘I love you’ ‘I will love you’. If we have accepted and loved someone once, we have accepted them forever. They are an integral part of our lives.

It simply is Love.

--- Srividya Srinivasan, 14.2.2011

Waiting at the crossroads...

i am lost.
i have no clue where i am.
i have no idea where i am headed.
Looking back i realise i am
where i thought I should be.
But...
it is not how i wanted it to be.
Or thought it would be.

Sometimes, driving your destiny
listening to your inner voice is insane.
And, reading divinity into synchronicity madness.
Sometimes, wishing for something is the ecstasy
and getting it is the agony.

I look around
and every road ahead fills me with fear.
Which road should i take ?
On what grounds should i take it?

I stand there pausing
breathing hard, legs trembling.
I cannot make a mistake and
take any road and then traverse back.
My legs are too weary.
My spirit too broken.

I wait at the crossroads.

Maybe someone would come by,
retracing their path to tell me
that their road is not worth travelling.
Maybe someone would come by
with the energy to take me along
even on a bad road
where the road may be bad
but the journey good.

I look back thinking I have come far
I realise I have just been going in circles.
I haven't moved at all.

I wait at the crossroads where so many roads meet.

I wait.

Just being.

The graph of your life ...

Take that pen and draw a line
as straight you can.
Make it even and flat
and don't shake your finger so.
It is a safe thing to understand
and with a little effort
the easiest thing to draw.
And when you ask people what it is
they will nod their heads in unison
for everyone knows a straight line.

Now take that pen and start a line
gloriously flow your hand as the pen flows
up and down and straight ahead
thick and thin strokes and those little jiggles
Now ask them what they think it is
and each of them would say different.

If your life was safe and flat
You could almost be dead.
Now look a little closer
and enjoy the ups and downs
the little quirks
the points that stand away from the line
Those are your high points
and your low ones
and the points that you have lived at all.

The spirit refuses to die ...

They can misread you, misquote you, upset you, confuse you, hurt you, abandon you, use you, cheat you, bully you, torture you, ignore you... even be indifferent to you. But what they can never never touch is your inner spirit.

-- Srividya Srinivasan

Evolving...

Evolving is when I am nice
even when you are not.
When I am charming, in love
and graceful in my separation.

How I react when you have left me,
misunderstood me,
forgotten me,
unloved me says only your story.
How i remain is mine.

I am still here beautiful for you.
Smiling with my eyes,
and bubbling with my laughter,
My love and belief in us
filling my heart.

How I sulk, or how I shrug,
How i wait or how I move
How i believe or how I let go,
What I am in your presence
or absence,
When your love fills me
or abandons me
Is all there is to me.

What I am when nothing goes my way
is what I am in reality.
How I love when it is not love my way
is all the love that's in me.

What I am when the world turns its back
is all that is in me.
What I am when I have nothing to give
is all there is to give in me.

I am in me...

And today when i realise this
I am free.
I can love you without your permission,
laugh without your censure,
jump without you thinking me crazy,
go on this mad journey with you in my head.

All the love in the world is in me...
All the love in the world is in me.

Happy new year love !

My best moments with you were the ones we did not share. When you weren't around with me.I could be uninhibited in my expression without your disbelief to cloud it, enjoy a profound moment pretending you felt it alongside, sing and dance in ecstasy, breathe life and joy without holding back due to your censure.

I could walk holding your hand, stay warm against your chest, laugh into the night, and make deep love,safe and secure and brilliantly evolving in your absolute love and understanding. Your kindness moves me to tears, my laughter catches up a little breathlessly into your deep laughter, and our steps match. The fire of passion burns high, and we match our wits and our minds and start with words and end with love. We gaze at sunsets and sunrises in silent awe...

Happy new year love !

Been brilliant missing you!

The pebble in the hand ...

Oh, the river seems to flow the way it has always done. It looks pretty much the same as it always did. You sit on its bank and look at it and slowly, ever so slowly it casts its spell on you. Your rhythm slows down and you become one with the river and its pace. You put your feet in, one at a time and squeal in surprise. Was it always this cold? And, as you stand there in absolute stillness allowing the slow currents to tease you, to touch you and to envelop your feet … in a few minutes, you are cold no more. You delight in the rush of old forgotten joys of the familiar that were pushed into oblivion with time, crowded with experiences of oceans and seas that were faster, bigger and more dangerous than a silly old river.

You walk facing the small currents, indulgent and complacent in pandering to an old river’s whims. Did it always run this way before? It seems to have changed its course. Did it narrow down to just a trickle at this point? Is it the end of the river? Curious you walk on and discover that just around the corner, a little almost after you gave up on it, when you thought it almost done, it picks up its strength and gathers itself about and you progress on to find it running to its full majesty and silent strength a little later on.

Your feet touch the pebbles and you pick one up. Smooth, glistening and glowing. Perfect and rounded. How many countless wear down by the river before the pebbles gave up fighting to reach this state?How much the river fights with those yonder rocks relentlessly pushing before it wears the rocks down? Was the current this strong always? The branches of the trees beside the bank lean over and seem to whisper to the busy river as she runs past asking her to pause and converse for a while. The butterflies and bees are abuzz with the news of your presence excitedly running about and the blue skies look on, the clouds lazily floating about indulging themselves by looking on at the scene.

The river is not the same. You ‘see’ it has changed. You can ‘feel’ the change. There are things you see now that you did not see before. It just seems the same. When you actually go with the flow, slow down your pace or speeden up to match its course, the river is not the same any more.

You caress the small stone stolen from the river, smoothened over countless wars with the river, cold initially and now warm in your hands.

--- Srividya Srinivasan 18.12.2010

How beautiful and free is this moment ....

How beautifully and full is this moment …
So full of love and joy for the other.
Not because we are together
but even though we are not.
The heart is so full yet free and flowing …
And one is content in just letting things be.
No questions, no seeking, no regrets,
no looking back or thinking ahead.
No desire at play, no motive, no promises
No I, You, US.
None intrude. None matter.
How beautiful is this moment…
where the heart is full and words don’t matter.
And love simply is.

------ Srividya Srinivasan [ Midnight Ramblings] 15/12/2010

I am no joker ...

I am just gonna be.
No longer god’s joker.
No imagined favourite child.
I am not going to gush
or jump in elation
every time I think I see his sign.
If he waves at me
I ain't waving back.
I am just gonna be.
His timing sucks,
his humour is worse.
If he thinks I am a bad sport
I don’t care.
I am just gonna be.
Tried talking to him last nite
Told him we are splitting.
Baby, he said with a grin,
You would be back.
Remember, I own the cards
and you are still my joker.
And ...
the joker never
becomes the queen.


- Srividya Srinivasan 18.11.2010

Pain ...

When there is nothing left in you to say,
it is better to say nothing at all.

-- Srividya Srinivasan

Life ...

I have moved when I should have waited,
Waited when I should have moved.
Believed when I should have given up,
Given up when I should have believed.
Been silent when I should have spoken,
Spoken when I should have been silent.
Said ‘No’ when I should have said ‘Yes’
and ‘Yes’ when I should have said ‘No’.
Smiled when I should have cried.
Cried when I should have smiled.
Risked when I should have played safe,
Played safe when I should have risked.
Acted smart when I was being dumb
Dumb when the world thought me smart.
Brave when I trembled inside,
Trembled when the world thought me brave.
Broken when people thought me strong,
Strong when they thought me weak.
Trusted when I was cheated,
Cheated when I was trusted.
Died when I should have lived,
Living when I could have died.


---- Srividya Srinivasan 23/09/2010

Dream lover ...

No more tears my darling
Shh, for I am here beside.
Hug me tight, my dearest
I am never gonna leave your side.

Let me wipe your tears
Let me erase the pain
From those who were before me
who wiped the child off ur face.

And when you are strong, I will smile
and watch you walk tall with pride
and turn to the world and say
that's her. she is mine.

When you are down, I will be beside
behind, ahead and all over you.
And when you want to walk alone
I will wait and watch
And when the woman turns into the lil girl
there I will be with my arms opened wide.

You come in with ur flirty smile
and as you turn around i smile
is it you or is it me
are we one ?

The tears remain.
The pain remains.
I am cold.
Beaten and bruised.
The scars remain.
You came in my dream
and left again.

Dream lover, were you ever mine ?

-- Srividya Srinivasan

Divinity of life

• The only divinity that can ever be in the natural order of things and in the physical structure of the universe.

• The only other divinity that ever can be is mutual respect and genuine love between humans, animals and plant life.

• Mutual respect that everyone has a different journey, a different perception of their journey and are at a different point in the journey. Never compare their journey unless to learn from theirs. If their journey is radically different from yours but worth exploring give it a shot as genuinely as you can and pursue or leave it if it suits you or doesn’t. It works for them. It does not work for you. It is no less genuine than yours. The way they see their journey may be different from you. If it interests you clue in else shut up. The same goes for the point in the journey. If they have journeyed ahead, catch up else shut up.

• Genuine love needs no explanation and has no fixed rules of expression

• Whatever happens, happens because of a natural cause and effect manifested at a large scale or a personal scale. What suits us is a miracle and what doesn’t is a calamity,

• Life is a series of cause and effect peppered with randomness. The cause and effect is unacceptable in reality as it demands accountability and a stop to manipulation. The human mind searches for coincidences as it is a useful tool for answers and it is the best prop for self brainwashing, social brainwashing and belief in the divine.

• Physical death is a natural or unnatural phenomenon just like birth and often perceived a calamity by the human mind. Physical death occurs due to cause and effect like murder, random/partial cause and effect like accidents, and natural aspects like disease or old age. There is no sin attached to any of the above. You die because you were born. You do not die as a punishment and heaven is not a reward.

• Gender is purely a biological difference and nothing else and be celebrated and intrigued over and finally accepted. Every other difference stated or used is only manipulative.

• All religion that ever was and will be will only be manipulative and false and is only social, moral and psychological brainwashing to make you weak, dependent and guilty. It is done to ensure safety of numbers and to remove your accountability in yourself and in your actions. This brainwashing is both external and internal. External by the world and religion to manipulate you and internal by you to use as a prop or an excuse or justification to act or not act in a particular manner.

• Every custom, every ritual will only divide or manipulate. Permit and accept only those that are fun, easy, that do not profess a deeper meaning or bring guilt in you because you have not done it in a particular way. If your child had fun it was a great festival. If it made your old man happy it was worth the effort. If it was a wonderful feast, enjoy it. Pretend along. But be clear that’s what it all was.

• Life is beautiful. Yes. It is. And living is a special experience. Just live it as it unfolds everyday without guilt, regret, fear or manipulation.
  
  

Life is beautiful

Life is beautiful.

Fragile and nebulously so.

Some days and moments just rush in the good feeling, pushing past your daily grind, past your jaded cynicism, past your world weariness to tinge all the everyday things and people with a special color to put that smile on your face.

Just you.

Your shoulders relax albeit slowly, your feet stretch and your smile broadens and you are just happy. Just plain happy. No reasons. There is a singing in your heart that has no history. Nothing special and yet very special just because it is so intensely full. It feels good to be alive. You are acutely aware of the sights, sounds and colours of life around you. You are rooted in the awareness of the moment and in touch with it. All questions and pain seem dull, differences and conflicts forgotten and thrust in a corner for the moment. Music playing somewhere adding its rightness to the moment. So do the odd snatches of silence. Blessed content silence. Friends seem to reach out adding a unique flavor. A loved one calls and the moment is flavored some more , peppered with humour and warmth. The moment is so perfect holding all the promise of life and love that it can possibly hold.

I hug this special moment. I know not what the next moment would bring. But this moment? This moment is mine to savour, to pass on, and to share. What do I care about the next when I have been blessed with this moment so full?

Life is heady indeed.
---- Srividya Srinivasan July 26, 2010

I cannot follow you ...

I am sorry.
I have no role model.
No gurus.
No companions to hold my hand.
Yes, I can read about your journey.
And the journeys of the Buddhas and the sadhus.
The pious, the agnostic, the rationalist and the intellect,
the profound and the profane,
the free spirit and the disciplinarian,
the madman and the seer.
But in the end you see,
It is your journey and theirs, not mine.
Within me, only I can journey.
How can i ever comprehend the quality of your journey?
How can i but not question the credibility of your truth ?
It is not my truth.
It is not my truth until I can feel it in my bones,
until it stems from the very core of my being and belief,
until it rules every conviction of mine,
and goes past that to overpower my very existence.
My journey and only my journey matters to me.
My truth and only my truth can be the truth for me.
I exist only in me.
I can think you exist.
I am even sure you do.
But you see,
you exist as what I can see you as.
You exist as a reflection of my truth.
Of my comprehension of you.
You exist as how my life has taught me to see you.
Go your journey dearest in search of your truth if you will.
But do not ask me why i have no role models.
Call it my arrogance or your ignorance,
Be shocked at my honesty in only acknowledging my truth as the highest.
Or the fact that my truth changes as my perceptions do.
My truth will be MY highest as only I can stand by it.
You are free to stand by your truth.
But, do not be angered because I can believe harder in my truth
and that I am neither overpowered by yours nor willing to bow my head to it.
Instead raise your conviction of your truth to match my conviction in mine.
So that our individual truths can set us free and light a flame in the other.
Together we shall then walk hand in hand.
Two free individuals sharing our varied journeys.

-- Srividya Srinivasan - 6.7.2010

Love of a different kind.

Different people touch our lives in different ways.

Some people are like solid pillars, unquestioningly there for you,right beside you when you need them.People you can call at any time of the day and night over any number of years. People, you need not explain yourself to and whom you can depend on more than you can sometimes in yourself. You are simply connected with them for life. Some quietly prod you to move, gently correcting you but never letting you down. They censor your actions with a gentleness and genuine understanding and affection and you always surprise yourself by changing yourself for them cos its simply so beautiful to do so.Some provoke you into thinking, into discovering aspects in you that you never knew existed.Some come like a storm bringing a world of new things and simply change your world upside down. Some bring laughter and warmth when they come in and teach you how to care. To look at life with a different energy, ease and flow. Some show their care through some brisk act of solidarity and hate a hug or a kiss and shudder at the very thought of sentiment.Fiercely protective of your interest and welfare, they love you and are completely with you except that you should never state it or sentimentalize over them.

And there are those who care and simply don't know how to show they do.They run a mile when you need them, block you out when you reach out and then unexpectedly turn up and show such immense love and affection when you least expect them to.You can never think you know them, never reach out to them when you need them,assume that you are important enough for them to show they care. You will never be their priority and can never be sure about them. They will always let you down all your life and it is up to you to choose to strengthen yourself by not getting hurt each time. They teach you the most important lesson of it all - the lesson of indifference and the loss of ego. They teach you vulnerability, insecurity, anger and finally acceptance. They teach you to love with a different intensity and flavor.Initially you are angry, hurt, confused about their behavior. At a brilliant point, you realize that loving them is accepting them the way they are. Loving them is accepting the fact that they will never be there for you but you will always want to be there for them. They teach you to give and learn not to ask in return.It would make no difference to them even if you ask.They will treat your love and your reaching out with complete indifference. Accepting to love them is accepting the fact that they will care and express their care only when and if it suits them, and in ways that will suit them and not when you need them.They teach you to love with absolutely no expectations.It is love of the hardest kind but the most beautiful and the purest. Thank you for touching my life this way.

Everyone has someone !

Everyone has someone.
You have everyone.
Friends drop in.
Add some cheer.
Cook a meal.
Clean a bit.
Then they disappear.
To their cosy lives
and fireplaces.
To wives and husbands
and cuddles in bed.
And at night.
you stare at the
fireplace. Alone.

Everyone has a wedding.
You are there too.
You are on everyone's list.
To help.
Popular are you?
Everyone is calling out for you.
You are the one to take their pictures.
And in the night
you are with your thoughts, fears and hopes.
You stare at the fireplace.
Alone.

Everyone has a baby.
Laughing lovely babies.
Everyone is a daddy
Everyone is a mom.
The kids love you.
You are the only uncle around
who is not a dad.
The only aunt around who is free.
You are on everyone's list.
Popular are you?

Women come and women go.
None to warm your heart and soul.
Your hands reach out and find
the dent beside you in the bed
was your own.
made the night before.
Men come and men go.
Kisses and cuddles galore
but who has the courage to
go for more?

You measure the yards from
home to work
from work to home.
Every free meal at a friend's has
you running for more.
You are on everyone's list.
Popular are you?
It is either the dog or you !
And at night.
you stare at the fireplace.
Alone.

You are cold.
You are dead.
You want a cuddle.
You want a kiss.
You want the warmth.
You want the laughter.
You want the woman.
You want the man.
You want the child
who is not there.
They are laughing.
They are partying.
Everyone has someone

At night.
as you stare at the fireplace,
you have grown old.
And your faded eyes
give your pain away.

They are laughing.
They are partying.
Everyone has someone
and you have no one.
but Who cares?

---- Srividya Srinivasan, 11.4.2010

Thank you.

Two simple words.
And I am saying it with all of me.
They mean a lot.
You have wiped away a million moments
of pain and loneliness.
A million moments of being read wrong.
In that few moments of being understood
you have given me something most precious
that no one has ever gifted me.
The gift of being just understood.
I am special in my eyes today.
Linked to myself and my God.
You have made feel proud of journey.
About being 'me'
Thank you.

To Bubbles and her dimpled mom-to-be !

Bubbles is loved before she is born.
Someone is waiting for her. Impatiently.
Smiling. Dreaming. Loving. Smiling. Dreaming.
Waiting to lift her and take her into her heart and home.
Bubbles, do you see your room is ready ?
Your clothes laid out. Toys galore.
The walls painted bright just for you?
Your baby feet shall patter across these rooms.
Your laughter shall fill these rooms.
And as you get ready to come into this world
Here’s my silent prayer for you and your mom-to-be.
May your lives be filled with countless giggles, dimples and laughter!
Tomorrow and forever!