Heart Strings...

There are some who come into our lives...
for a brief instant and are gone...
We treasure them and always remember them
but we are ok to let them go...

There are some whom we can never recollect
and they hardly touch our lives...
And we move on
with no memory of each other...

There are some who come in...
with some misguided idea of us..
searching for resonance...
who refuse to let go...
and cling on...
Cutting them off is the kindest thing to do...
to yourself and to them...

There are some who touch our lives deeply...
And our lives are intertwined ...
But when the time comes...
We have to gently untangle ourselves
to let them go...
Loving them but letting them go...
is the only thing to do...

And there are some ...
who are there to stay...
You may not speak to them...
meet them...
But they reside in you...
as long as you live...
and when you try to cut them off ...
a thin thread refuses to snap...
and when you tug at it ...
you find it goes all the way to your heart...

‎Sometimes love is for a moment,
sometimes love is for a lifetime.
Sometimes ...
Just sometimes
with someone
a moment is a lifetime...


---- Srividya Srinivasan

The big Question ?

When I am indifferent to my existence,
Does it really matter that you think I should continue to exist ?

Srividya Srinivasan
[Ramblings]

Where has Rasa gone ?

Equation of emotional resonance...

1. Identification + emotion = Rasa/Resonance/Intensity/life
2. Identification - emotion = Buddha
3. No identification + emotion = Chaos/Conflict/Pain/Difference
4. No identification - emotion = Indifference/Death/A lonely soul

I am a lonely soul at the moment ...who has operated with Rasa till now... Where has Rasa gone ? Bring her back else let me at least become a Buddha !

- Srividya Srinivasan
(Ramblings)

Expansion or reduction ?

Do you narrow the circle until you come to the dot or do you expand it so much that you merge into nothingness... Are both the same? Finally is it ultimate expansion or ultimate reduction... both are infinite and have no end ... A particle in the wave has to have some clue ... It can't just ride the wave...

Is the answer in expansion or reduction ? There is no middle ground.

I need to know... NOW.

There is no middle ground...

What would I do for love?

What would I do for love?
Well, anything my dear.
I would go past my fears...
I would travel across the earth...
I would toss all what I have ...
To walk by your side...
I would bear your child...
Stand by you through the storm wild,
Love you all through ...
Live for you and maybe die too..
And dearest,
if it comes to that ...
I will for love ...
Just let go and
walk away too...

What would you do my dearest, for love?

---- Srividya Srinivasan

They say that the greatest regret is
when you never tried at all.
The greatest regret is in trying it all
going all the way, all the time
And finding it was not worth it after all.

--- Srividya Srinivasan

Respecting my right to speak does not mean you have an obligation to listen . . .

Do I exist ?

Do I exist ?

You think I do.
So may be I do.

Am not so sure though.

If I disappear from the face of the earth,
and if they remove all traces that I ever was,
Did I then exist at all?

I am not there to tell my story.
And you will forget mine too.

So did i exist ?

Pardon the tenses.
The lines in history just blurred.

--- Srividya Srinivasan

B L A N K . . .

What is it called when the body remains but you willfully kill the mind ?
Is it still suicide i wonder ?

--- Srividya Srinivasan

Freedom ?

The bird waves its tired wings against the caged door seeing the open blue skies.
The fish in the net thrashes desperately trying to move to the water it sees.
The bull pulls the yoke, as its eyes go up in the strain.
The man in prison sees the single beam of moonlight that reaches his room
dreams of his lover and sings.

--- Srividya Srinivasan

...

When the child in you dies, everything dies ...

It simply is love ...

To love someone is to acknowledge the role they have played in our lives. To recognize that our paths crossed at some point and that we have been co-travellers for a while in life. To love someone is to accept the truth of interconnectedness of all the people who touch our lives into the tapestry of our existence. To love someone is to accept and acknowledge the existence of a part of us in them and a part of them in us.

From our parents, family, first loves, childhood buddies, best friends, classmates, broken loves, discarded friends, friends turned enemies, online friends, colleagues, clients, people whom we have forgotten, people who have forgotten us, people who ignore us now, people who turn their back on us and whom we ignore and turn our backs on, people we just smile at, people we see past… they are all there in the story of our lives and we in theirs.

We get hurt, angry or feel violated when ‘they’ change their promise of ‘who they seemed’ to ‘who they suddenly become’. When their suitability, usability or conformity changes, it confuses us and we fight to re-establish the original image we agreed to have of them. We do the same to them when we change. But we will always be the victim, the one who was wronged. Even when we ignore, wear a mask or hurt a loved one, it is almost like another alternate being descends on us. Someone truly not us.

So does love really go away? Can love ever go away? Can people ever fade away? Can their influence or memory be just pretended away?


Why do we wear masks? Why do we squirm at memories that don’t suit us? Why do we not acknowledge the sides to us that aren’t or weren’t heroic? Why can’t we say sorry? Why can’t we start again? Why do we ignore those who reach out? Why do we put our hands at the back and refuse to shake hands, or meet someone’s eyes?

We are not scared of what we will find there. We are scared that we will not measure up in our own eyes. We are scared of what they will no longer find in us perhaps? We are scared of old discomforts and insecurities arising in us again. We are scared of being vulnerable.

We get angry when they persist, feel violated when they remind us of their affection and refuse to acknowledge them. The more real and genuine they are, the more we push them away. We abuse, ignore, and ridicule their overtures of affection as they force us to remember a better us. They remind us of the promises we failed to meet, the intentions we faked to gain and the most importantly they make us vulnerable again. We are scared of giving them the power of love; afraid that they know us too well and that we have failed them somehow. We understand that by failing them, we have failed ourselves and we would do anything to avoid that admission.

So where and when does love change? Does a relationship ever die? Can the bonds of families and loves ever break?

To continue to love someone does not mean we desire to turn back the clock. It does not mean that we are trying to re-establish status quo. It simply means we are acknowledging the interconnectedness of it all. It simply means that we accept the role they have played in our lives and the role we played in theirs. It means we accept responsibility for that influence.

Love is a continuum not to be confused with our superficial behavioral swings and it does not really operate with a tense. There is no question of ‘I loved you’, ‘I love you’ ‘I will love you’. If we have accepted and loved someone once, we have accepted them forever. They are an integral part of our lives.

It simply is Love.

--- Srividya Srinivasan, 14.2.2011

Waiting at the crossroads...

i am lost.
i have no clue where i am.
i have no idea where i am headed.
Looking back i realise i am
where i thought I should be.
But...
it is not how i wanted it to be.
Or thought it would be.

Sometimes, driving your destiny
listening to your inner voice is insane.
And, reading divinity into synchronicity madness.
Sometimes, wishing for something is the ecstasy
and getting it is the agony.

I look around
and every road ahead fills me with fear.
Which road should i take ?
On what grounds should i take it?

I stand there pausing
breathing hard, legs trembling.
I cannot make a mistake and
take any road and then traverse back.
My legs are too weary.
My spirit too broken.

I wait at the crossroads.

Maybe someone would come by,
retracing their path to tell me
that their road is not worth travelling.
Maybe someone would come by
with the energy to take me along
even on a bad road
where the road may be bad
but the journey good.

I look back thinking I have come far
I realise I have just been going in circles.
I haven't moved at all.

I wait at the crossroads where so many roads meet.

I wait.

Just being.

The graph of your life ...

Take that pen and draw a line
as straight you can.
Make it even and flat
and don't shake your finger so.
It is a safe thing to understand
and with a little effort
the easiest thing to draw.
And when you ask people what it is
they will nod their heads in unison
for everyone knows a straight line.

Now take that pen and start a line
gloriously flow your hand as the pen flows
up and down and straight ahead
thick and thin strokes and those little jiggles
Now ask them what they think it is
and each of them would say different.

If your life was safe and flat
You could almost be dead.
Now look a little closer
and enjoy the ups and downs
the little quirks
the points that stand away from the line
Those are your high points
and your low ones
and the points that you have lived at all.

The spirit refuses to die ...

They can misread you, misquote you, upset you, confuse you, hurt you, abandon you, use you, cheat you, bully you, torture you, ignore you... even be indifferent to you. But what they can never never touch is your inner spirit.

-- Srividya Srinivasan

Evolving...

Evolving is when I am nice
even when you are not.
When I am charming, in love
and graceful in my separation.

How I react when you have left me,
misunderstood me,
forgotten me,
unloved me says only your story.
How i remain is mine.

I am still here beautiful for you.
Smiling with my eyes,
and bubbling with my laughter,
My love and belief in us
filling my heart.

How I sulk, or how I shrug,
How i wait or how I move
How i believe or how I let go,
What I am in your presence
or absence,
When your love fills me
or abandons me
Is all there is to me.

What I am when nothing goes my way
is what I am in reality.
How I love when it is not love my way
is all the love that's in me.

What I am when the world turns its back
is all that is in me.
What I am when I have nothing to give
is all there is to give in me.

I am in me...

And today when i realise this
I am free.
I can love you without your permission,
laugh without your censure,
jump without you thinking me crazy,
go on this mad journey with you in my head.

All the love in the world is in me...
All the love in the world is in me.

Happy new year love !

My best moments with you were the ones we did not share. When you weren't around with me.I could be uninhibited in my expression without your disbelief to cloud it, enjoy a profound moment pretending you felt it alongside, sing and dance in ecstasy, breathe life and joy without holding back due to your censure.

I could walk holding your hand, stay warm against your chest, laugh into the night, and make deep love,safe and secure and brilliantly evolving in your absolute love and understanding. Your kindness moves me to tears, my laughter catches up a little breathlessly into your deep laughter, and our steps match. The fire of passion burns high, and we match our wits and our minds and start with words and end with love. We gaze at sunsets and sunrises in silent awe...

Happy new year love !

Been brilliant missing you!

The pebble in the hand ...

Oh, the river seems to flow the way it has always done. It looks pretty much the same as it always did. You sit on its bank and look at it and slowly, ever so slowly it casts its spell on you. Your rhythm slows down and you become one with the river and its pace. You put your feet in, one at a time and squeal in surprise. Was it always this cold? And, as you stand there in absolute stillness allowing the slow currents to tease you, to touch you and to envelop your feet … in a few minutes, you are cold no more. You delight in the rush of old forgotten joys of the familiar that were pushed into oblivion with time, crowded with experiences of oceans and seas that were faster, bigger and more dangerous than a silly old river.

You walk facing the small currents, indulgent and complacent in pandering to an old river’s whims. Did it always run this way before? It seems to have changed its course. Did it narrow down to just a trickle at this point? Is it the end of the river? Curious you walk on and discover that just around the corner, a little almost after you gave up on it, when you thought it almost done, it picks up its strength and gathers itself about and you progress on to find it running to its full majesty and silent strength a little later on.

Your feet touch the pebbles and you pick one up. Smooth, glistening and glowing. Perfect and rounded. How many countless wear down by the river before the pebbles gave up fighting to reach this state?How much the river fights with those yonder rocks relentlessly pushing before it wears the rocks down? Was the current this strong always? The branches of the trees beside the bank lean over and seem to whisper to the busy river as she runs past asking her to pause and converse for a while. The butterflies and bees are abuzz with the news of your presence excitedly running about and the blue skies look on, the clouds lazily floating about indulging themselves by looking on at the scene.

The river is not the same. You ‘see’ it has changed. You can ‘feel’ the change. There are things you see now that you did not see before. It just seems the same. When you actually go with the flow, slow down your pace or speeden up to match its course, the river is not the same any more.

You caress the small stone stolen from the river, smoothened over countless wars with the river, cold initially and now warm in your hands.

--- Srividya Srinivasan 18.12.2010

How beautiful and free is this moment ....

How beautifully and full is this moment …
So full of love and joy for the other.
Not because we are together
but even though we are not.
The heart is so full yet free and flowing …
And one is content in just letting things be.
No questions, no seeking, no regrets,
no looking back or thinking ahead.
No desire at play, no motive, no promises
No I, You, US.
None intrude. None matter.
How beautiful is this moment…
where the heart is full and words don’t matter.
And love simply is.

------ Srividya Srinivasan [ Midnight Ramblings] 15/12/2010