Two Selves have I

I am alone.
Alive in my aloneness.
Dead to the world. 
Genderless.
Stripped of my femininity
for eternity.

My desires stifled.
My realness guarded,
sacred to my aloneness.

The mask fits better.
The mask i put on.
The mask the world wants.
The mask of adaptability. 

The surreal day beckons.
The dawn of automation.
Of roles to be played.
Things to be done.
People to be met.
Battles to be fought.
Issues to be handled.
Anger to be faked.
Passion to be feigned.

Two selves have I.
One for the world,
One for my aloneness.
Earlier I had just one.
Soon, I will have none.
As the mask fuses
into my defeated self
until the real and the
fake are one.

- Srividya Srinivasan - 25/10/2014 

"Our very thoughts are our prayers at the altar of our own selves, Our unmasked naked, uncensored love for life - our divine offerings to our own highest selves, and the deep rush of thankfulness in being the exact person we are lucky to be - the blessing that we crave to receive." - Srividya Srinivasan

The delicate art of loving ..

You cannot create love out of nowhere nor can you work at it. Love is a spontaneous recognition of oneself in another, and celebrating what one aspires to be in another. Love is an act of loving the best part of what one is and what one wants to be. It is a joyous abandonment of boundaries, an acknowledgment of one's strengths and weaknesses and an utter relaxing in one's skin.

People talk about compromise and adjustments in love and working at love. Real love being spontaneous and true would automatically bend to the truth in the other. Real love operates with grace, humility and an easy passage for what is right and what elevates the common created oneship. It is actually between people where there is no love, no possibility for a spark and the only link being a everyday wading through existential transactions that demands compromise and adjustments. One needs a daily reminder and affirmation of the link because what holds the two people is a functional practicality or fear of social ostracization. It is not strength that holds such people together but their vulnerabilities.

But nurturing, strangely is a part of real love too. Reminders play a different role here. The reminder and the nurturing is not to keep the pale shell of the initial spark or intimacy alive through empty acts of gifts and anniversaries but to actually become the person who initially enjoyed that spontaneous recognition in the other. When two people recognise what they initially liked in each other, they keep coming back to that point of joyous reunion. Countless times will they lose their way but countless times will they joyously come back to a reunion. Countless times will their love be born and in each birth they recognise the strength of the togetherness and through this parting and meeting, will they realise that their beauty is best expressed in the union. Loving and nurturing the union becomes the most precious act of acknowledging life and love. So they will live, and so they will love...

- An excerpt from 'the book THE SPECIAL THEORY OF RELATING ' - By Srividya Srinivasan

The Story of happily every after ...

Today's question: What is it to relate emotionally ? If there is no emotion attached are we still
feeling ? If we do not feel then does the aspect exist or does it cease to ? Is death a lack of feeling ? What do we mean when we say relate? What triggers relating ? What causes it to disappear ?

The Story of happily every after ...

When we relate to someone, we relate to an interesting, real and aspirational us that we become with relation to them. When we feel good with someone, it is not only because we like what they are when we are with them, we like what we become in their presence. It is the latter that motivates us to meet them, talk to them, desire to spend time with them and stay in love with them. A drop in their excitement, enthusiasm in being with us is handled by us either as a personal failure of our own attractiveness or as a drop in theirs. We desire people who make us continue to feel desirable.

When the perceived importance of the feeling within one that made one relate to something or someone reduces or disappears then the relating reduces or disappears. If what you felt or perceived as a new exciting you when you encountered a new idea or person is not lasting and your regular old personality comes back, you lose faith in the excitement or the fresh feeling and revert to the old you. After a while, even the memory of the excitement seems fainter and fainter until you are not sure it even existed.

When we fight with someone especially in a relationship, it is either a fight about recapturing that emotion or a denial that the emotion even existed in the first place. Most women since they have long term memories believe and can remember the emotion and excitement and hence put their faith and hope on recapturing it with the man. For the man, the memory is so faint that he does not recollect it or does not believe that it can happen again. The man fights to establish the fact that excitement and euphoria is short lived. He either continuously seeks it again and again through various means or various people. The woman tries to recapture it with the same person again and again. And, that is why when she takes a step forward or tries to remind him of who he was when they met or who they were at the start the man seriously does not relate to the person he was then nor the emotion that held him in thrall. The woman wants a replay of what was strong and beautiful and binding between them a million times over. When a woman asks a man if he still loves her, she means do you still love me the way i thought you did when we first met. Do you mean it with the same intensity and am i still the most important thing to you still in the same way?

The man is forced to go through the motions pretending the memory and emotion or he rejects it outright. He has no recollection of having been captivated by this woman and instead grows stubborn in his refusal of the memory. He grows colder and colder while she tries to come closer and closer. He cannot for the life of him figure out why he was chasing her in the first place or what he found attractive. She was attractive when they met because she was not committed to him in particular and was hence a conquest to be won. He becomes interesting to his own mind as a conqueror and a talker and is a new person within himself and unfamiliar at that and hence a man in love becomes confident, vulnerable, real and exciting in his own eyes. The woman enjoys becoming a target of this excitement and in turn becomes sexy, desired, pampered, adored and interesting.

Post the chase, the man loses memory of the game and gets busy with practical aspects and the woman is left with an empty promise of a lifetime game of adoration and excitement that she fails to get. The more it is denied to her, the more empty she gets and more clingy and emotional. The more emotional, clingy and demanding she gets the more he grows distant and impatient and uncaring. She wants to get to a point where they were wonderful together. She is keen to start from there again. During an argument she would keep coming back to that. The man is rooted in the present. He sees a clingy, emotional, crying woman and he for the life of him cannot relate to her. All he wants is to run. The man gets impatient, angry and pinned down when accused of having changed in his affection or expression. He will fight tooth and nail to deny it but the excitement she craves and the importance in his eyes that she desires will be denied to her. And, this is the eternal battle of the sexes. Beneath this battles lies all the innumerable accusations that each gender throws at the other. 

So, how does that explain the happy, devoted couples that seem so much in love for long ? If you look around the percentage of genuinely happy couples are relatively lesser. They are the ones who connected through a real not necessarily ideal connect - the image that the man put out was closer to his real nature and the connect he felt with the woman was closer to the real woman. Also, subconsciously they get into the rhythm of feeding each other the image that initially excited them. It is a life long feeding of the same and becomes a habit and a way of life and at some point their joint personality. It is nurturing of a  self image and nurturing of a reflection of the self with relation to the other. Additionally, society views them as an ideal couple and this positive image feeds them into greater success as a couple So, they tend to grow together as a couple. 

So can any man and woman become a couple ? Yes. And, it lies with the man.If he could relate to the fact that for her the relating means starting from the point when they met and nurturing that connect. When we mean starting, we mean an emotional starting. And, it lies with the woman, in trying to work out newer connects and points to relate from so the man is not left challenged with trying to continuously live up to the initial promise . As a couple, both have to create fresh situations of I love you. It should not be a case of when we met and then ever after...

- An excerpt from 'the book  THE SPECIAL THEORY OF RELATING ' - By Srividya Srinivasan

100 years from now ...

100 years from now, we would be a memory. A face in some forgotten lost picture. A scribble in some notebook somewhere. Some megabytes of data and some pixels in some obsolete digital memory. Who would know how you loved ? That you danced or you cried ? That you ran a start up or ran a marathon ? Who would know if you enjoyed your coffee or drank wine under the stars? Who would care if you made love or died a virgin? Whether you spoke Chinese or English, Hindi or Persian ? Ten years ago who were you ? Who were the people in your life ? Who is beside you now? Who will be with you ten years from now ? Will you even be or would you have become fresh memory? Yes, pack that ego carefully. It is fragile. It may not need to last 100 years but it needs to survive with you today.~ Srividya Srinivasan

Elusive Darkness ...

Death and Darkness are just hiding, pretending that they do not exist. Hiding just behind the bright lights, the facebook friends and the birthday wishes. As soon as the laughter is stifled and the candles snuffed out, they will come out and seize and snuffle the brightness of life and claim their victory. It is just a switch and we do not have the control.

- Srividya Srinivasan

Is Shakti Shiva or is Shiva Shakti ?

May every man find the softest and most fragile expression of his personality with the right woman who would treasure and honour the beauty of his femininity and not misuse it and may all women find empowering and supportive men who would exult in her self expression and success without fear of being overshadowed by the power of her masculinity and in that beautiful new world, shall we enter as partners, equal and empowering, supporting and caring, vulnerable and strong. Happy Valentine's day !

 - Srividya Srinivasan

Nirbhaya

She smiled at him
as she put her thumb up.
The bus stopped.
Laughing they got on.
Their smiles froze
as the curtains closed.
She is ripe
Let's have some fun,
The 6 pairs of eyes said.
12 hands reached out
to grope her.
To feel her.
To touch her.
To rape her.
6 monsters laughed
as the man tried,
cried to stop.
Hit him with a rod
they did,
as each took turns
with her instead.
Stop she cried
as they laughed
until they cried
and groped some more.
Laughing and joking
they put the rod in
deep, deep within her.
Bleeding and crying
they pleaded,
as six mouths
laughed their gut out
to see her gut spilling out.
Naked and bleeding
they threw them out.
Laughing and grinning
they moved on.
Naked and bleeding they lay there
as hundreds of eyes dodged them,
until pleading and bleeding
they were saved
to be probed and to be groped
again.
Describe to me what happened
they asked.
Your body is the site of crime
and i need to check they said.
You should have begged and pleaded they said
You should not have gone out they said
You should not worn this dress they said
You should not have studied they said
You should not have crossed the line they said
Why do you need to live they said.
Live I will she said .
Dream I will she said .
Fight I will she said.
Until I am dead, she said.
Go not unto the night they said
or you will end up like her they said.
Dead they said.
The city is aflame they said.
And the country stands by her instead.
As fools rant, and the monsters laugh
the torch is lit they said.
The fear is fading they said.
Your death shall not be in vain they said.

She smiled at him as she put her thumb up.
The bus stopped.
Laughing they got on.
Fear not
Six pairs of eyes said.
Safe, you are they said.
Thank you they said
when they got off the bus.
She smiled at them
as she put her thumb up.

- Srividya Srinivasan

An identity crisis.

In isolation, the single drop of water should comprehend its identity before it can merge itself into the wave and the vast ocean.

Srividya Srinivasan

Suck it up ...

You can't become a martyr by bearing the cross of your own choices in life.

               - Srividya Srinivasan

If the present is a blank ...

If the past has lost its hold..
And you have a blank present...
does it mean there is no future ?
Or does it mean you
can create any future you want ?

            ~ Srividya Srinivasan

It takes two to break a pattern or does it ?

What i am within myself when i am with you and what you are when you are with me is what we bring out in each other. it is not the only persons we have within ourselves or the persons we can be but it is what we will be with regard to each other. No effort on either side can change that. It is a prototype that is set when we first meet each other and the pattern is repeated each time. Only a fresh perspective and time would make any difference. When in the future, we get an understanding of who we both were at that point in time, we perceive what other persons we could have been.

                 ~ Srividya Srinivasan

Square Pegs. Round Holes.

A square peg can fit
only so much
into a round hole.

Badly. Awkwardly
and with a lot of
effort.
And would still
not fit perfectly.

Square pegs are
rarer than round holes.
They stick out and
Spoil the harmony.

Getting angry with the
square peg for being so
and not fitting into
round holes is no use.
The square peg can only try.
It can even pretend to be a
round peg.
But at one glance you would
know it is not.

Yes. You could search for
square holes for the
square pegs.
That is going to take awhile
and maybe
you would find
one that fits
or maybe never.

Most square pegs are
chopped away and
chipped away to
make them as
round pegs.

And then the square peg
is square no more.

- Srividya Srinivasan

Someone ... Somewhere

Some one. Some where.
Is holding out for truth.
For love.
For beliefs.
Some one some where
 is doing that
while you have sold your soul
in your utter fatigue
from life's battering.

Some one. Some where.
On this tiny planet.

And you weep alone
because it is not you.
And you rejoice too
because some one
some where
is holding out to truth.
For love...

- Srividya Srinivasan

Marriaging the brand ...

All relationships in the world are transactional.

We trade financial, emotional, physical and psychological aspects with one another irrespective of the relationship we profess. Whenever we give, we expect back and not necessarily in the same format in return but mostly from the same person.

All intimate associations are about the power of co-branding to create a new power brand. You are a brand - whether you are a small one, powerful one,a  failed one, boring one or a fascinating one. And, we all seek or form associations or rather should seek partnerships where the power of our individual brand gains strength. The self image that we have of ourselves should be enhanced in the presence of the other.This is a large psychological impression of gain and worth that is impossible to articulate completely in tangible terms. It is not based on the wealth, position or power alone that the other might bring into the association but more often the feeling of enhanced power in one's own brand because of the entry and presence of the other that makes the difference. It is not so much about what the other does, or what one does but this feeling of increased self brand gain that marks a powerful and strong relationship. When two people meet on such terms, their individual feeling of self worth increases because of presence of the other. Both, thus operate with the best aspect of themselves with relationship to the other. That is how and why respect comes easily between them. When the best in one is brought out, and the highest reflection of one's self worth is in the presence of the other, one holds such a relationship dear. It is self preservation at its highest but using the other as a mirror for one's best. So in a way you love someone a lot because you love who you are when you are with that person. How you act, how you feel, how your self esteem is boosted in the presence of the other through the very act of association decides how a relationship would go and how long it would last. If secretly one hates the association, or is not finding a reflection of the highest in oneself reflected through association with the other, it leads to a deterioration of the relationship.

Pride of association brings on brand loyalty. A relationship that has no transactional value will also die fast as all brands will. Power brands are built when the individual brand value is highly enhanced with association to the other and collectively a new brand that has the combined power of both individual brands is formed. Such a  marriage is often a successful one.


- Srividya Srinivasan

Just a little prayer ...

O God !
Grant me a bigger ego.
One almost as big as you.

              - Srividya Srinivasan

I realise ...

How can I be angry with you for taking too much
   When I was the one to give it all
         without holding anything back ?

       - Srividya Srinivasan

Say it is not so ...

Do we live in a state of perpetual denial, unceasing self-induced good feeling and positivism even if the truth is all around us screaming itself hoarse ? Have we become a race where stating the obvious truth becomes a crime, and one is branded a pessimist or a kill joy or worse still a traitor for just for recognizing what is ?. Solutions will start only when we recognize and accept that there is a problem and celebrate the one who has the courage to state the truth instead of stilling the voice of truth. Instead, we would rather continue and live the fake that everything is fine until the stench of our cowardice assails our consciences to override our denial. We are a race of worshipers of superficiality, of what looks fine and seems like feel good. We are a race of empty beautiful plastic masks hanging by a thread. A hollow self worshiping race rotting in the stench of unceasing indulgence covering it up with perfumed aromas and glittering lies.

 - Srividya Srinivasan

Pain, Life and Death

Pain, is the impact each time natural chaos mockingly breaks through our feeble artificial attempts to discipline or control life and make it predictable to our terms. Every day. All through our lives. And yet, we shall try till we die our final deaths,even if  we die a million small deaths every day. Foolish people. Us. Through our awkward daily attempts at routine, discipline and order we will strive to gain the upper hand,  to claim that we have life licked. And laughingly, mockingly life will throw its head back at us as if to say " Fools, it is in unpredictability, through change, through de-automizing that you are alive. The minute it is anything else it is called Death" And so the game goes on, between pain, life and death.

~ Srividya Srinivasan

Arrogance ?

What you accuse as Arrogance, my dear,
      is nothing but my freedom and ability
               to have my own view
                      based on my own experience and
                               based on my own intuition
                                    without the weight of
                                             authority or
                                                 approval of
                                                    another's
                                                          experience
                                                               or stamp of
                                                                     credibility.
                                I am far more credible and honest
                                                 because I speak my own truth
                                                          however warped or confused it may be.
                                                                                                                       
                                                                      ~ Srividya Srinivasan